Last weekend I spent all of  Sunday watching my grown daughter’s kickball team  – – compete in a tournament.   I was happy to do it – we live on different coasts so I cherished that chance to celebrate her doing something she loves.  And, as I sat there in the hot sun, I was reminded of all those times I had missed elementary school plays, middle school sports tournaments, and high school concerts because of my long hours and on-call schedules. And all those times I’d felt guilty about it.

In forty years as a pediatrician, I’ve never met anyone who consciously wanted to be a bad parent.  But I have met many Moms and Dads who feel guilty that they aren’t better caregivers.

Ever feel you could have spent more quality time with your kids, but were just too tired?  Ever wish you hadn’t told them that “Mommy is busy” when they were trying to share something with you?

You’re not alone.  None of us are perfect, or perfectly attentive, yet many of us feel guilty that we’re not.

One stay-at-home Mom – I’ll call her Lisa – whose 4-year-old daughter was my patient, was the epitome of active parenting.  Lisa was attentive, interactive, always reading to her daughter and watching her play.  Her daughter loved her backyard swing set so Lisa often sat on a blanket to watch her swing and push her when she needed a boost.  Lisa enjoyed reading mystery novels but never seemed to have the time.

When I suggested she read while her daughter played on the swing set, she told me she couldn’t because her daughter always said, “Watch me, Mommy!” and Lisa felt guilty if she didn’t give her child her undivided attention.

Parenting guilt often makes us feel like we have to put our child’s needs above our own.  And yet to be a caring parent, we have to be rested, centered, and happy ourselves.  At times, this means finding how to get away and do what makes us feel good and relax as a person.  We shouldn’t always have or want to spend every waking moment with our kids.  It isn’t healthy for parent or child.

It’s also important to be a role model for your kids, to model doing what you love and being a happy, well-rounded human being as well as their parent.

My feelings of guilt chiefly centered on my busy schedule as a physician but the funny thing was that my kids seemed to understand and often knew my on-call schedule better than I.  And my consolation was the pride with which they told their teachers and friends that their Dad was a doctor and helped sick kids.

And Lisa, when she ultimately did take time to read the books she loved, was modeling that reading was an enjoyable and lifetime habit.

No parent is perfect, just as no person is perfect.  Yet too many – good – parents experience guilt about being human and taking time for themselves or making a parenting miscue.  Remember, you are not solely responsible for your child’s happiness.  We nurture them, love them and respect them, but they are part of the equation too.  That’s why it’s not only important to allow them to discover what they enjoy, but also to watch us being human and modeling what we enjoy.

If you follow your instincts as a Mom or Dad, develop your own unique parenting personality that you can learn to trust, and keep love, respect and positivity at the center of your parenting decisions,  you’re well on your way to raising a self-confident, happy child even if you do take time to model the work or the interests that you love.  Guilt-free.