Dr. Michael Howard
I recently watched Jennifer Senior’s very thought-provoking , “For Parents, Happiness is a Very High Bar,” and was struck by a few of the excellent points she makes, and how they relate to my own ideas about developing your own Parenting Personality.
In her 20-minute talk, she emphasizes that parenting is more complex and stressful today than ever before, which is something I think we all, as parents, instinctively feel. Although the fundamentals are the same as they’ve always been, the world we have to navigate – and teach our children to navigate – is much more complex. And while it’s hard to measure whether parenting is, in fact, more stressful, it’s certainly a different paradigm indeed.
Senior, whose new book is called “All Joy and No Fun: the Paradox of Modern Parenting,” makes the interesting historical point that families have evolved from units where the children are working for their parents (in the fields or in the company business), to one where parents are working to raise their children, which adds to parent’s stress, rather than relieving it.
In fact, both Moms and Dads spend more time with their kids today than ever before, despite the rigors of the work force and the fact that frequently both parents are working outside the home and concentrate all their parenting efforts and decisions into evenings and weekends.
I was touched by what Senior said about holding her newborn son and whispering in his ear that she will try not to hurt him; what she echoed was the , an oath I took and have always revered.
Yet as a pediatrician, and a parent myself, I try to help the new parents I work with to greet parenthood with more anticipation than trepidation. None of us want to hurt our children, but parenting shouldn’t be so frightening and stressful that it diminishes the joy and the excitement.
As parents, we do need to cut ourselves some slack…to relax a bit. We can’t always get it right every single time. There is no script for parenting. Each child, parent and family environment is unique, so there cannot be one single way to parent.
Parents cannot will their child to be happy; a child has to participate in creating his or her own happiness. A parent can only hope to provide a safe and nurturing environment where their child can thrive and discover what makes them happy.
‘s book was the “bible” in it’s day, but it was closer to a parenting almanac than a true parenting “prescription.” It helped parents, rather than frightening them into thinking they might be doing something wrong, neglecting something, or “harming” their child.
Every parent has their own parenting personality. I feel we need to recognize that and help parents recognize it, refine it and grow it. No matter what a parent’s unique parenting style is in this complex world, as long as they parent with love and respect at the root of each parenting decision they are doing the best they can.
Allowing yourself to have – and excel at – your own parenting style is the easiest way to consistently do your best, to be a loving, respectful, and positive parent, and therefore to “do no harm.”